’cause we need a little controversy

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Guess who’s back, back again, Eva’s back, tell a friend. (I do not know why that song is in my head….)

Yes I am back and back with some thoughts, and other things. Perhaps there might be someone thinking the same things as me, and we can give each other a cyber high five, or fist bump, if you’re into that.

(Warning for all you OCD people- I have not edited this efficiently yet. I’ll do that later. Shhh.)

What got me thinking this morning as I sat down to journal, was just how different my life looks now (as opposed to perhaps a year or two ago). I’m not talking about location, circumstances, home life, job. I’m talking about what life looks like through my eyes. What I value, how I perceive the world, how I perceive myself, how I deal with different things, things I like, things I don’t like. Things like that.
On a side note, I turned 30! I feel no different. Sorry to disappoint you all. But it made me think… “Well damn.. This is adult you, Eva. You made it!” I’ve always said to myself, I don’t want to reach 60 years old and think, “Wow, I wasted my whole life caring what people thought, and I am still none the wiser about who I am as a person.”
I don’t want to be that.
I wasn’t born to fit in a nice little box, and stay there until I die. 1) I’m a bit claustrophobic, but 2) that’s also boring. (Although Adele was in a box being wheeled to the stage, unbeknownst to her audience goers. Did you see that footage?! That’s definitely not boring, but would be bordering on anxiety inducing, for sure.)

If you and I are so unique, then why do we keep trying to categorise each other? All my life I have struggled with the introvert/extrovert debate, and I find myself at a cross road. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, at the end of one road is a house full of people, and at the other, an empty house. (That’s how the poem goes, right?) It’s at this point, I can’t choose. Old me would sprint towards the empty house, middle fingers high in the air, yelling “Bye suckers! You are all annoying. I’ll see you again when I could be bothered.” But now I’m undecided. I wonder who is in this other house. So many possibilities. How many people? Do they like tea? That could be fun. Is there food? What food? I find I’m choosing the house full of people more often than the empty house these days, and I am legitimately confused.
I’m confused that being labelled as an introvert, I shouldn’t enjoy people as much as I seem to. But don’t I hate people? I’ve always hated people… Perhaps a better question is this: Have I built my identity around the fact that I believed people are petty, demanding, selfish life-force sucking beings? And my only way to survive my life-force being sucked out of me, is to find a cave to recharge. Am I a social butterfly, or a cave-dwelling moth? Or a mix of both? Both have their strengths and weaknesses, but perhaps my issue is the fact I want a definite ‘THIS IS THE BOX YOU FIT IN’ because, it is much easier when you know your own parameters.

It feels like I am a butterfly (or moth) emerging from a cocoon (or equivalent) and opening my eyes and wings for the first time and wondering ‘What the hell is this place? How long was I asleep for? What are these weird colourful growths coming out of my back? Am I dying? Am I dead? I’ve died haven’t I… Damn it…” I’m genuinely confused about what to do, how to do it, how to exist because NOTHING IS THE SAME. Which is equally exciting and terrifying.

Working in hospitality definitely opens your eyes to how ridiculous humanity is, and maybe that was a big contributor to my dislike of people. Customer demands are petty. It’s fact. You want to whinge about your over-priced side of bacon not being crispy enough, yet there’s a portion of the world who don’t have that luxury. Yes, I will judge you.

But to wrap this up, maybe we can’t live with such absolutes. You are an extrovert, I am an introvert, and never the two shall meet. Or can we just do what we want, with no labels. Just exist. With no justification as to why. I’ll stop wondering why I’ve found a new love for people and just live it and enjoy it, and the world can stop telling me what an introvert should look like. Your Facebook surveys can go to hell…

As the final remark on this topic, I will leave you with the actual poem, by Robert Frost. Which, as it turns out, was a high school text we used, and has stuck with me ever since, Take from it what you will.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

– Robert Frost

Life In The Fast Lane

I realised all of this year I’ve had the mentality of “I’m nearly 30.”
I’m not 29, I’m “nearly 30”. 
Which is ludicrous. I’ve spent nearly 7 months of being 29, as being “nearly 30” instead. I’m 29!!
I think this speaks volumes about the type of person I am. I’m always talking about what I want to do, or where I want to be, instead of never (or not often) valuing what’s happening right now. I’ve been in seasons where I thought nothing was happening in my life, actually nothing. Just eating, sleeping, showering, and working. So when people asked me- ‘What’s been happening?’ I’d simply say ‘work’ but then feel stupid for not having goals, so I’d always talk about what I hope to be doing even though I had no plans, and no actual goals to get those dreams to be my ‘present’ season.

There’s something so refreshing though about finding the fun in the simple things and we should never be ashamed for having ‘quiet’ seasons. It doesn’t mean you’re shit at being an adult, it doesn’t mean the universe has been able to function without you and your existence is a bit pointless; it just means you’re in a different season. 
.. 
I adore the movie Hugo- have you seen it? I think I’ve only seen it once though, but it had a line I’ve remembered to this day- and when I heard it, I died a lot on the inside, and I probably wiped a lot of snot on my sleeve since I don’t carry tissues. It goes something like this:

I’d imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured, if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn’t be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too.


[Above: Scene from Hugo- 2011-Paramount Pictures]

Reading this just then, I realised there is a loophole to this theory- I’m sure that when you put together IKEA furniture there’s always one or two screws you can’t find a spot for and the piece of furniture exists without all its parts. But we are talking about the world, not Swedish furniture that’s good value. 

Stay with me…

Me talking about being nearly 30 would be the same as if I’d be externally processing what gear I was driving in. “Oh I’m nearly in 6th gear. I’ll be in 6th gear easily, as I speed up down this road.” Nearly?  How do you know you’ll get to 6th gear? There might be a hill down the road you’ll need to get into 3rd gear for. It’s not that 3rd gear is bad, 3rd gear will be good for a hill because 6th will not get you there. At all. You just don’t know. You can’t predict it. (I don’t know if any of you automatic drivers relate to that. I learned on a manual and still drive one today.)

The US election has been on my mind (and news-feed) lately. Whether Hillary is corrupt or not, I can’t help but reflect on (someone’s life I have no idea about) as a young woman, studying law, there would have been no way she would have known she would have a chance to be president twice in her life time. Nobody can know that. Each life event, leading a person to an unknown. Trump said that she would be destined for jail in their last debate, but don’t get me started on that. (Whether you believe in her policies or life choices doesn’t matter, my point is not about policy its about one woman deciding to make an impact. She may have deleted 33,000 emails but she’s still a mother, wife, and friend.) Anyway. It just got me thinking, how one young woman, without knowing where she would be today- set goals, worked hard, and now at 68 years of age, she could potentially be the first American female president. Even to be close to that title is something I’m sure her generation would never have seen coming. 

My point is- we can never know where our lives are going to lead. You can’t tell me every season for every successful person felt like a good time, or felt successful, there’s a lot of nothing, a lot of space in between those big moments, wondering, “what the hell do I do now? I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Are my goals or dreams even going to be that fulfilling or have I sold myself short?”

I haven’t been alive that long, but even now I’ve started to see that life isn’t about BIG moments, it isn’t about how quickly you can change through all the gears, its about being able to collate everything, to create something amazing. We don’t have one defining life moment. Although I’m sure for the guys that landed on the moon that would have been pretty great (duh), but around that one event was a lot of preparation and a lot of ‘nothing’. But if you don’t walk down that path of ‘not yet’ or ‘nothing’ you’re never going to get there. (Obviously this post is just for me, because I’m sure no one can relate and you’re all living great 6th gear lives).

So here I am, 29 years, 6 months and 19 days old- not entirely sure where my life is headed, and I don’t need to know, but every day I’m adding to my list of ‘events’ so as I look back to now, when I’m 68, I’m going to be blown away by each little step I took that created the life I have lived.

Something a bit different this time-

Eva x

They’re all doing it…

If you know me well, you’ll know that I have an adverse reaction to the unauthentic. I loathe hidden agendas, fake smiles, fake teeth, fake influence, super white-girl inspirational quotes, saying one thing but meaning something entirely different, and most of all fake eyebrows and lips. I feel like my inner thought chamber (whether my heart or mind) has fits when it senses people endorsing anything false. Fits of internal rage and disbelief, as I find myself being Elaine Benes constantly asking “What is wrong with all you people? Have you all gone mad?!” (Insert lip kits, eyebrow tattooing, summer bodies, talent shows, people aiming for fame but not influence, songs without substance, too many opinions, too much information, I need a spiritual Epipen…)

In all of this, in my goal of one day knowing enough songs (and being coherent enough in my guitar playing) to busk somewhere, I find myself being so fearful that I’ll be just another fake voice, amongst already too much information, being another noise in the atmosphere that people will have to sift through to find something real. I admit, I tend to be incredibly judgmental at times, and isn’t it easy when there is so much information, so many ways to voice your opinions free of any retaliation or consequence (except if you’re in the media. Then you’re screwed if you sneeze something remotely opinionated.) However, over and over again when I head down that track of almighty judge, I find I’m judging myself in the same way- harshly with sarcasm sprinkled on top. Am I alone in this? It’s incredibly crippling. And I need to stop it. Instead of launching into hours of singing, guitar playing, and enjoying myself. Every note, every song, comes with it inner dialogue of “What is this even for? Who says you’re good at this? There are so many people better than you, what makes you think you’re that special, people will enjoy what you’re doing if you go and busk? You’re not that good. Please. Yeah, that’s what the world needs, another person who thinks they can sing, and they wind up on the voice and no one turns their chair for them. Well at least their parents thought they were good.” Dumb.. So dumb, isn’t it?!

So I’m attempting to have another thought. Less thoughts about what drives me nuts about the society we live in, less thoughts that keep me tied up in my own judgement, and more about what I could possibly contribute to try and steer things in a better direction, and hopefully encourage people to do the same. Whatever that looks like.

My new thought isn’t original at all, but here it is:

“Just do it” Nike has had the right idea all along. Want to do something? Do it. Just do it. For cryin’ out loud. I’m so over all this airy fairy self-empowerment. Just cut the crap. You can encourage yourself until the cows come home. If you’re lucky and live on a farm, that may be at sundown. For the rest of us who may never own cows- Get over yourself and JUST DO IT. (Currently in the process of getting over myself.)

You’re welcome.

But in the process of ‘doing’, please, be a good gardener. To me ‘taking care of your garden’ isn’t about pubes. Maybe if society spent less time worried about pubes and more on the quality of what goes into and comes out of their heart and soul we’d have less crap to sift through and society becomes an avenue for encouragement, growth and real fun. But instead all we seem to be fed is the product of other people’s bad fruit from being shitty gardeners.
Imagine if people took care of their hearts as much as they took care of their pubes? I’m not saying swing too far the other way, you do the maintenance you want, or not, woo #feministmovement. Free the nipple, free the pube, how bout you just get free. Emotionally. Spiritually. You can free the nip and still be unhappy. Free the souScreen Shot 2016-08-20 at 12.05.17 PMl. Free the heart. Free the girl who can’t leave the house because she’s plagued with anxiety, free the boy who can’t get out of depression. Free the skinny girl who’s stuck in a fat persons body (thanks abfab)  so they can live their truest self. I don’t care what your truest self is- just be it. Nike had it right from the start JUST DO IT. (Oh wow, I think I just turned into Shia LeBeouf..)

You wanna know what I’m gonna do? Have breakfast and finish this cup of tea. That’s the first thing I’m gonna smash today. It’s only upwards from there.

Stay fab guys.

Eva x

Here’s What I’m Doing With It…

What if we spent more time focusing on stuff we like about ourselves, instead of all the stuff we want to change, or wish we could.

Can I refer you to the Seinfeld episode where George wears a wig. Below is Elaine as she violently rips off Georges’ fake hair to reveal he is bald (like we all know he is). After George tries his best to maintain his new and improved ‘self’. Elaine reminds him who he really is, since she can’t stand his bull crap pretending. (Let’s just take a moment for those of us who so strongly relate…) This made me laugh, but also reflect on how George is always looking for the next thing to make himself more appealing as a human being since his self-esteem and sense of right and wrong is non-existent, and he has no hand.

 

I know we all go through stages in life where we make active changes to try and function like ‘better’ human beings. Because, let’s face it- when we don’t function very well, it can feel like the worst ride you’ve ever been on, that you can’t get off of.
(For me, that was the Pirate Ship at wonderland. I was finally tall enough, so I went with Dad. Being given the advice of ‘when the thing comes over your head to hold you in, rest your hands on your chest so you don’t get squished.’ In doing so, I was then worried I was going to slip out when we went upside down. I remember the ship building momentum until it finally went upside down, to then letting out a humongous “SHIT” thinking I was actually going to die, at the ripe old age of probably 10. I remember Dad laughing at me, but me being equal parts terrified for my life falling off the ride, and in the event of surviving, still dying once Dad tells Mum of the hilarity (to him) of my choice of words during my near death experience…I am here today to tell you- I’m a survivor.)

It’s really damn hard to feel stuck in a place where you feel “How I’m existing now, isn’t great, but I don’t know what else to do.” In this process we can get so stuck (like I have- I absolutely admit) trying to change who we are, nitpicking every detail to try and mold ourselves into who we think the idea human being in.

I have spent, honestly, so damn long, thinking about what’s wrong with me, I have missed what I like about myself. Oh my goodness, I do procrastinate, and enjoy so much just daydreaming, so you’re pretty lucky you are even reading this now, because I can guarantee you I already wrote this three times in my head, before I bothered to get up and grab my iPad. I don’t want to change that about myself. I’m sure some people would, but those people can be happy in the fact they are probably the people who put things into action. Where as I,  like to think I could be proactive, but really, why bother when I’ve already experienced it in my imagination. (Yes that imaginary trip to Canada was amazing thank you. I went snowboarding too, which I was obviously a natural at. The handsome instructor told me himself…. End Scene.)

I do also have an absolute complex about hating being told what to do. I like to figure it out in my own time. Even in simple tasks like doing laundry. I don’t mind the process of throwing all my dirty clothes in the washing machine and hanging them out to dry. I love pointless crap like that- but only when I feel inspired to do so. I like to think I’m following where I feel my inspiration is. Some days it’s doing assignments, and some days it’s drinking tea and watching BBC dramas. All of which I will do with absolute passion when I feel to do it. Stop telling me my room is messy, I know! I’m just waiting for the inspiration to do it, right now the cat needs me MUM!… Sorry got a bit side-tracked there… Hopefully you know what I mean (or maybe you don’t and the very fact I’m not ‘driven’ frustrates you. Ha! I’m not even sorry.)

I remember reading recently (I absolutely love auto-biographies- something that I realised about myself recently.)

“I am the worst procrastinator in the world. I wish it was actually a named disease so I could go to a clinic” Jennifer Saunders

I laughed myself stupid. I’ve learned this while studying the passed year. Any time it’s ‘study’ time I start my computer up, then realise “Oh I NEED a cup of tea while I do this assignment. And I probably also need a snack (food to help my brain-der). I may as well charge and sync my phone while I’m here too, oh I love that new Beyonce song I should play that while Microsoft word is opening”. (Sing along for a bit) “That song sounds easy to play on guitar, I should look up the chords. Where’s my guitar?” (This could last easily 30 minutes). Then as if to snap out of a haze, “What the hell Eva?! How did you go from meaning to study to learning A song on guitar. Really? Come on.. Focus!” 

But sometimes the best things can happen while daydreaming, possibly so unproductive, but goodness me, you really aught to try it, at least once. Oh the places you’ll go- as they say.

So back to my initial point- we can either get so caught up in what’s ‘wrong’ with us, or be so caught up in what’s ‘right’-what you would never want to change, what makes you-you. Even if it is different to most people you know. I’m sure you complement them in the nicest way, probably even ruffle their feathers a bit- but those people probably need it (let’s be honest). Maybe you will never be someone who is the life of the party, but you will be the life of the one on one coffee catch up with friends. EMBRACE THAT. Either way, love how you are different, and don’t try and make yourself conform to what you ‘think’ a well-functioning, successful person should be. I can guarantee you, those you ‘think’ have got it all goin’ on, probably don’t. Does anyone, really? Clearly I’m goin’ on, so will stop now.
Continue to search for what makes you fab- report back with news of your findings.
Houston out.

Eva xo

Gor-tex

My body has never been ‘summer ready’. How do you get summer ready? I’m never ready. It always just goes from Spring into 40 degree weather and you spend all of summer questioning whether the world is actually ending and if global warming will turn everything into a giant pool of lava before 2020, and summer isn’t always this hot, surely, it’s getting hotter and hotter every year, it is actually global warming and we will all be burnt to a crisp by February. RIP Australia.

Summer ready? What even is that? What about being winter ready? If we were in a perpetual state of winter, yes ma’am I’m ready. This winter ready body is at its absolute PEAK!

Below are 3 simple steps to gain that winter body.  I’m sure this is new information that will begin to circulate through the internet at an alarming rate- however, heard it here first.

Elaine, once again bringing us truth: Get rid of the negativity (Seinfeld- The Pie Season 5 Ep 15)


HOW TO GET THAT WINTER-READY BODY

1) The holy trinity to you is now Carbs, Sugar and Dairy (amen)

2) Binge on movies- Steer clear of the Super Size Me sort of movies, you don’t need that in your life. It’s only going to bring you down. Both in dress size and weight. Not helpful for winter.

3) Just give it time-. You may not see results quickly, but over time you’ll be surprised. Those pair of pants you were hoping to fit into for summer. No, that’s not happening, you have a winter body now. You are now equipped for the Antarctic. Well done. Go and reward yourself with some cake.

If you are struggling to get Winter Ready, take some further advice from George, and sport one of these.

(See below for reference material 1.)

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The Gor-tex Jacket.

Eva xx

$117 Sermon

I’m not sure what I expected, coming to Ugly Mug at Richmond to type, like I’m some writer, some.. I don’t know, influential person who has something to say, and their publisher is harassing them to finish a book or chapter just to prove they are on track. Probably a mix of Misery, and every other movie and skit relating to this topic.

I feel to write something…Whether it is something of substance is a different matter! We shall see….

I have been thinking lately about what makes me, me. I wouldn’t have thought so, but after I got my hair cut shorter, I had a moment (however brief but unsettling) questioning if I was still feminine, or if, in the act of cutting my hair off, it made me unrecognisable, or dare I say… ugly?  Maybe I wasn’t attractive any more? (I did have to Pinterest ‘curly hairstyles short’ just to see if there was anyone left in the world who had short hair, and whether they met the bizarre beauty standards I felt pressured by. I’m fine now, I just had a moment, as I’m sure most women do after an extreme change in hair style?)

Seinfeld- The Smelly Car (Season 4 Ep 21)

In a world so full of façades, of smoke and mirrors, I miss the likes of celebrities/influential/hilarious people like Dawn French & Jennifer Saunders (my current obsession…der…) because they were just themselves, minimal makeup (when not parodying something)  and had a lot of fun. One’s fat, one’s freckly, one’s loud, one’s quiet-complete complementary opposites. Not like these media-created beings that don’t resemble reality at all, that seem to exist and are ‘worshiped’ today.  Many people make up the world, so why we are force fed this image of ‘this is what’s beautiful, this is in, this is what makes you attractive’ when it’s complete crap!

Can’t confidence just be enough? But not confidence in eyebrow pencils, and flawless foundation. But confidence in who you ARE, what you look like, what you love, what you hate, and be totally un-apologetically just THAT. Being real about your hang ups, but not being hung-up by them. Sure, we are all on a journey of self-discovery. But as Dawn French so impactfully reminded us all at the Opera House that day “We are all attention seeking 2 year old wankers, but we are incredibly fabulous just as we are.” Well that’s what I gleaned from that brilliant $117 sermon anyway. Well worth the money….

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The best sermon, from the Vicar herself- April 10th 2016

I’m still at the cafe, and the bell keeps ringing to let the staff know that food is ready to take… I wonder if the sound of a bell ‘ding ding’ ing will ever be out of my subconscious? “Yes I’m coming! Coffee up!”

Eva x

 

 

 

May 1st 2016

The best way I can express to you what this page is about, is to tell you- This is not a ‘blog’. Whatever that is?  This is a page about ‘nothing’ (in the way that Seinfeld is essentially about nothing. Reference material provided below…)

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Seinfeld- The Nothing Pitch

Today I thought I would add something else to my existence that I hope I consistently find the time for, among the work, tafe study, catching up with friends, family, watching ABC catch-up, and episodes of French & Saunders and Absolutely Fabulous- in no particular order, all very important. (By now I have either got your attention and you feel like we are going to get along fine, or you hate my choice in entertainment, think I’m a complete idiot with no sense of humour, and in thinking so-we can no longer be friends. Thanks for stopping by…)

 

This year has been on the premise of  “Be fabulous every day”.  After seeing the Dress Maker, I wondered why all of us couldn’t be a little more fabulous every day, and wear nice dresses and feel good about ourselves, instead of wasting time only feeling comfortable wearing tracksuit pants everywhere hoping you go unnoticed by the general population. (Although my aim is still to feel fabulous while wearing tracksuit pants, which I’m doing now and feeling pretty good about myself.) I do not want to waste time feeling unfabulous and unhappy, but spend more time on being unafraid and unabashedly myself- whether in tracksuit pants (can I get an amen?) or a sequinned dress (which I am yet to buy). I want to live by the idea of- whatever you do, do something fabulous every day (like wearing a jacket that you only save for ‘special occasions’ for a very un-special occasion, or using the ‘good cups’ and have a pot of tea instead of just chucking a crappy Twinings bag in an ugly cup. Please. Respect yourself, never drink Twinings, there is a whole world of lovely tea out there, branch out a bit.)

Speaking of which, mum has just brought the large teapot out, so I have some tea to drink and some conversation to enjoy.

Here continues my search for identity, creativity, correct grammar and spelling, and of course fabulousness..

Eva xx

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