I realised all of this year I’ve had the mentality of “I’m nearly 30.”
I’m not 29, I’m “nearly 30”. Which is ludicrous. I’ve spent nearly 7 months of being 29, as being “nearly 30” instead. I’m 29!!
I think this speaks volumes about the type of person I am. I’m always talking about what I want to do, or where I want to be, instead of never (or not often) valuing what’s happening right now. I’ve been in seasons where I thought nothing was happening in my life, actually nothing. Just eating, sleeping, showering, and working. So when people asked me- ‘What’s been happening?’ I’d simply say ‘work’ but then feel stupid for not having goals, so I’d always talk about what I hope to be doing even though I had no plans, and no actual goals to get those dreams to be my ‘present’ season.
There’s something so refreshing though about finding the fun in the simple things and we should never be ashamed for having ‘quiet’ seasons. It doesn’t mean you’re shit at being an adult, it doesn’t mean the universe has been able to function without you and your existence is a bit pointless; it just means you’re in a different season. .. I adore the movie Hugo- have you seen it? I think I’ve only seen it once though, but it had a line I’ve remembered to this day- and when I heard it, I died a lot on the inside, and I probably wiped a lot of snot on my sleeve since I don’t carry tissues. It goes something like this:
I’d imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured, if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn’t be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too.
[Above: Scene from Hugo- 2011-Paramount Pictures]
Reading this just then, I realised there is a loophole to this theory- I’m sure that when you put together IKEA furniture there’s always one or two screws you can’t find a spot for and the piece of furniture exists without all its parts. But we are talking about the world, not Swedish furniture that’s good value. Stay with me…
Me talking about being nearly 30 would be the same as if I’d be externally processing what gear I was driving in. “Oh I’m nearly in 6th gear. I’ll be in 6th gear easily, as I speed up down this road.” Nearly? How do you know you’ll get to 6th gear? There might be a hill down the road you’ll need to get into 3rd gear for. It’s not that 3rd gear is bad, 3rd gear will be good for a hill because 6th will not get you there. At all. You just don’t know. You can’t predict it. (I don’t know if any of you automatic drivers relate to that. I learned on a manual and still drive one today.)
The US election has been on my mind (and news-feed) lately. Whether Hillary is corrupt or not, I can’t help but reflect on (someone’s life I have no idea about) as a young woman, studying law, there would have been no way she would have known she would have a chance to be president twice in her life time. Nobody can know that. Each life event, leading a person to an unknown. Trump said that she would be destined for jail in their last debate, but don’t get me started on that. (Whether you believe in her policies or life choices doesn’t matter, my point is not about policy its about one woman deciding to make an impact. She may have deleted 33,000 emails but she’s still a mother, wife, and friend.) Anyway. It just got me thinking, how one young woman, without knowing where she would be today- set goals, worked hard, and now at 68 years of age, she could potentially be the first American female president. Even to be close to that title is something I’m sure her generation would never have seen coming. My point is- we can never know where our lives are going to lead. You can’t tell me every season for every successful person felt like a good time, or felt successful, there’s a lot of nothing, a lot of space in between those big moments, wondering, “what the hell do I do now? I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Are my goals or dreams even going to be that fulfilling or have I sold myself short?”
I haven’t been alive that long, but even now I’ve started to see that life isn’t about BIG moments, it isn’t about how quickly you can change through all the gears, its about being able to collate everything, to create something amazing. We don’t have one defining life moment. Although I’m sure for the guys that landed on the moon that would have been pretty great (duh), but around that one event was a lot of preparation and a lot of ‘nothing’. But if you don’t walk down that path of ‘not yet’ or ‘nothing’ you’re never going to get there. (Obviously this post is just for me, because I’m sure no one can relate and you’re all living great 6th gear lives).
So here I am, 29 years, 6 months and 19 days old- not entirely sure where my life is headed, and I don’t need to know, but every day I’m adding to my list of ‘events’ so as I look back to now, when I’m 68, I’m going to be blown away by each little step I took that created the life I have lived.
Something a bit different this time-