Guess who’s back, back again, Eva’s back, tell a friend. (I do not know why that song is in my head….)
Yes I am back and back with some thoughts, and other things. Perhaps there might be someone thinking the same things as me, and we can give each other a cyber high five, or fist bump, if you’re into that.
(Warning for all you OCD people- I have not edited this efficiently yet. I’ll do that later. Shhh.)
What got me thinking this morning as I sat down to journal, was just how different my life looks now (as opposed to perhaps a year or two ago). I’m not talking about location, circumstances, home life, job. I’m talking about what life looks like through my eyes. What I value, how I perceive the world, how I perceive myself, how I deal with different things, things I like, things I don’t like. Things like that.
On a side note, I turned 30! I feel no different. Sorry to disappoint you all. But it made me think… “Well damn.. This is adult you, Eva. You made it!” I’ve always said to myself, I don’t want to reach 60 years old and think, “Wow, I wasted my whole life caring what people thought, and I am still none the wiser about who I am as a person.”
I don’t want to be that.
I wasn’t born to fit in a nice little box, and stay there until I die. 1) I’m a bit claustrophobic, but 2) that’s also boring. (Although Adele was in a box being wheeled to the stage, unbeknownst to her audience goers. Did you see that footage?! That’s definitely not boring, but would be bordering on anxiety inducing, for sure.)
If you and I are so unique, then why do we keep trying to categorise each other? All my life I have struggled with the introvert/extrovert debate, and I find myself at a cross road. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, at the end of one road is a house full of people, and at the other, an empty house. (That’s how the poem goes, right?) It’s at this point, I can’t choose. Old me would sprint towards the empty house, middle fingers high in the air, yelling “Bye suckers! You are all annoying. I’ll see you again when I could be bothered.” But now I’m undecided. I wonder who is in this other house. So many possibilities. How many people? Do they like tea? That could be fun. Is there food? What food? I find I’m choosing the house full of people more often than the empty house these days, and I am legitimately confused.
I’m confused that being labelled as an introvert, I shouldn’t enjoy people as much as I seem to. But don’t I hate people? I’ve always hated people… Perhaps a better question is this: Have I built my identity around the fact that I believed people are petty, demanding, selfish life-force sucking beings? And my only way to survive my life-force being sucked out of me, is to find a cave to recharge. Am I a social butterfly, or a cave-dwelling moth? Or a mix of both? Both have their strengths and weaknesses, but perhaps my issue is the fact I want a definite ‘THIS IS THE BOX YOU FIT IN’ because, it is much easier when you know your own parameters.
It feels like I am a butterfly (or moth) emerging from a cocoon (or equivalent) and opening my eyes and wings for the first time and wondering ‘What the hell is this place? How long was I asleep for? What are these weird colourful growths coming out of my back? Am I dying? Am I dead? I’ve died haven’t I… Damn it…” I’m genuinely confused about what to do, how to do it, how to exist because NOTHING IS THE SAME. Which is equally exciting and terrifying.
Working in hospitality definitely opens your eyes to how ridiculous humanity is, and maybe that was a big contributor to my dislike of people. Customer demands are petty. It’s fact. You want to whinge about your over-priced side of bacon not being crispy enough, yet there’s a portion of the world who don’t have that luxury. Yes, I will judge you.
But to wrap this up, maybe we can’t live with such absolutes. You are an extrovert, I am an introvert, and never the two shall meet. Or can we just do what we want, with no labels. Just exist. With no justification as to why. I’ll stop wondering why I’ve found a new love for people and just live it and enjoy it, and the world can stop telling me what an introvert should look like. Your Facebook surveys can go to hell…
As the final remark on this topic, I will leave you with the actual poem, by Robert Frost. Which, as it turns out, was a high school text we used, and has stuck with me ever since, Take from it what you will.
The Road Not Taken
And that has made all the difference.
– Robert Frost